Friday, 7 December 2012

So Who Are the Hottest Aliens?

There is nothing that signifies the festive season as much as letting go of your serious face and being just a little shallow. Oh, we most definitely like shallow (just look at the ‘most shared’ links on the BBC News website – do people seem to care about serious current affairs? Nope. All they want to read about are cute-wunderkind-twin-baby swimmers and Kim Jong Un’s new status as the Sexiest Man Alive).

So, in this festive ‘anything goes’ spirit, imagine that the world actually ended this month, just as predicted, and that you were the last human being standing. Luckily, a friendly race of aliens from the Alpha Centauri system arrived on Earth in order to check for survivors. They took you along to their home planet and after a few months you began to get used to local customs and felt pretty much at home. Then you also started to realise that you simply had to procreate and pass on those precious human genes of yours. Now look around carefully – your new home planet is quite the inter-galactic melting pot and there is a wide selection of types to choose from as your potential mate.

Sadly, I cannot offer you any actual pictures of aliens to check out – blame the somewhat decelerated Space Race. Thus cinema has to step in and proffer a selection of hotties from outer space:

10. Neytiri from “Avatar”.

Yeah, yeah. She is blue and has sex via the tip of her braid. Still, she is fierce (just like they like ‘em on ANTM) and has the bone structure of Zoe Saldana. And if one human male fell for her in the movie, I am sure you would too, especially when faced with total extinction.

9. Superman from “Man of Steel”.

I know this film is only coming out next year, but judging by the trailer and Henry Cavill’s work in “The Tudors”, this new Clark Kent will be one hell of procreating material (sorry, Christopher Reeve). Plus I know someone who dated Mr Cavill and the reports are most encouraging.

8. Diva Plavalaguna from “The Fifth Element”.

If you managed to get it on with Neytiri but things did not work out, Diva could be your rebound. She is blue, just like you like it, AND she has cool tentacles that might seem a little phallic at first but also let you be more creative in your long nights of lovemaking with this inter-galactic superstar. She can belt out impossible arias, so your kids will be very talented. Diva literally has blue blood, so she must be royalty as well. Looks like you win on all fronts.

 7. Spencer Armacost from “The Astronaut’s Wife”.

Not exactly Johnny Depp’s finest performance, but we are talking pure aesthetics here. Spencer, as you know, is possessed by a tentacled alien and kills people around him. He isn’t exactly your average bad-boy but also has his charms. For example, if he starts to annoy you – simply electrocute him. If he does end up impregnating you, your children (twins most likely) would look perfectly human but might suffer from sudden glitches. 

6. Mac from “Earth Girls are Easy”.

Quick recap of this little known whacky comedy from 1988 (I watched it on TV one day and really enjoyed it). Three multicoloured furry aliens crash into Geena Davis’ pool. She is a used and abused manicurist with a heart of gold who decides to shelter the extraterrestrials. Her friend from the salon performs a full-body epilation on the trio and they turn out to be Jim Carrey, Damon Wayans and, lo and behold, Jeff Goldblum (who plays Mac). The girl takes them on a tour of LA nightlife and in the end falls for Mac, who is just to die for!

5. Mary from “Total Recall” 1990.

You know what was the main reason for the lukewarm reception of this year’s remake of “Total Recall”? Mary was not as good. Shame on you if you don’t know who she is. Mary is the mammarily-gifted prostitute from the original movie with Schwarzenegger. Ok, maybe she is not the safest alien to continue your human lineage with, but you know, she definitely opens up new possibilities.

4. Spock from “Star Trek” 2009.

Again, sorry to Leonard Nimoy but Zachary Quinto’s version of the half-human, half-Vulcan Commander is just hotter. I think he just carries off the whole pointy-ears, upward-brows look better. I guess his most attractive feature is the fact that his is very reserved due to his Vulcan blood, but still waters run deep, so any adventurous lady would be curious to reveal his more passionate side. Besides, your kids with him would be very intelligent and only a quarter alien. (Remember your objective is to keep the human race going).

3. Klaatu from “The Day the Earth Stood Still”, 2008.

In this rather dull movie Keanu Reeves is a welcome distraction. I can’t even remember what his character does exactly, but the fact that he is an alien and played by Keanu should be enough for any earthling. I would not be totally surprised if it was revealed at some point that Keanu Reeves the actor was an actual alien who learned to mimic human behaviour but never lost his otherworldly quality that some describe as bad acting.

2. Han Solo from “Star Wars”.

If I could wolf-whistle in writing, I would. Han…Han Solo…the most suave space smuggler who moonlights as Indiana Jones in his spare time. Oh Han. Why did you have to go with that cow Princess (or so she calls herself) Leia? I’d be much better suited and I love dogs too, so Chewbacca could always stay with us.

1. Leeloo from “The Fifth Element”.

Leeloo might not be the most eloquent of humanoids, but she is the perfect being and saved the human race many times over. Even the Ancient Egyptians had drawings of her. She has layers upon layers of genetic information stored in her cells, so your human DNA might get a little lost if you do decide to “jump her bones”. Your children though would have the highest chances of getting into good schools because a) they will be very limber and excel in sports b) linguistically gifted and be able to decipher new alphabets even under extreme pressure c) they’ll stand out with their red hair which will be quite the rarity at this time. The only downsides of having a relationship with Leeloo would be her irrational and aggressive reactions and the likelihood of her dumping you for the first taxi driver.

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